I am trying to understand me

I am trying to understand me, and that is something that I will never actually do.
I am lonely, but I am ugly as a human being, so I accept that I will be lonely because no one likes me.
I am different, people see that, and they don't like it, its been like that since I was a child.
I am smarter than most, and this is something that people don't like
I understand things quicker, and sometimes before, people can even explain anything.
I see more than anyone else.
I see the looks
I see what others do
I hear everything that everyone talks about
I don\t forget things, so I drink so I can forget things, I don't drink every day but I drink.

So, now what do I do?

I don't want to be alone, but when I am not alone I see the smallest details and it makes me crazy.

I can't stand to be with people, unless my mind is completely occupied and then it doesn't matter

I can't stand going to sleep, I hate it.

I need sleep.