So here it is, after all this time I am about to write what
I have been thinking for years, this will eventually be my suicide note, or
book as it goes.
At the age of 52 I find myself fighting daily with
depression and the idea of being alone all the time, the constant remind of
things past and things that I would love to have changed, but really if you are
reading this you don’t care and you don’t know me.
So where should I start? At the beginning? I have spent
years blocking out the start of my life, there are many things that I do not
remember and many things that I do not want to remember.
Maybe I should start with how I feel and why I feel this
way, because I think that is really what is on my mind at the start of this,
first thing, with all this BS being posted that it is ok to talk and its ok to
have issues etc, that is beyond a joke and the platitudes that I constantly read are embarrassing,
especially when it all comes from people who just have to bend over to make
money, kick a ball or pretend they are scared in front of a green screen, it
makes me laugh.
When you have money you are responsible for your own problem
and crying about having mental problems is a fecking joke, stop work go away
lock yourself in a room for a few days, you don’t really have problems that
can’t be solved.
When I see all the its ok to talk shit, who the hell do you
talk to? Where I live, it’s a few years before I can get a family doctor, so do
I go to emergency when I am feeling down? I think there are more important
things for them to deal with.
Friends? Well, that’s the major issue too, I have friends
but they, as most people, have issues of their own and to start pouring my
heart out to those who I already know have problems isn’t going to help me and
isn’t going to help them.
I have spent the last 5 years of my life chasing something I
know I will never actually have, and that is some form of support system,
someone to lean on in the times of trouble and when I feel the need to see or
just talk to someone.
Now maybe I should tell you a little about me, like I have
said at the age of 52 things are just becoming too much and when you step back
and look at the embarrassment that this world has become well.
I am on the spectrum, for whatever that is worth, I have a
very high IQ and my brain works faster than the majority of people I have ever
met, in fact I have only met a few people who can ever keep up with me.
From a young age I was always that kid, the one that got
picked on because he was different, the one left behind, the strange kid and
when I was young we didn’t have the label that now most children have, now its
just used and an excuse for bad behavior we have swung from an age where we
just expected kids to get on with it to a bunch where every child has a label
and needs help, to be special, and from what I have seen this leaves the really
special children behind and doesn’t help those that need it.
Where is the balance, I don’t know, but I know what we are
doing now is just as wrong as what happened when I was young.
I don’t think anything could have saved me and turned me
into anything that might have helped the world, having an IQ being able to see
things and remember things and figure out problems fix or build things doesn’t
mean anything, really, even when I try and explain things to people they don’t
understand even when I simple draw things out, its beyond them until weeks
later they comes back and then say, you are right, why didn’t I see it.
So much in this world if obvious but so much people just
want to ignore, that isn’t the right word, but it is the way they seem to deal
with things.
So, more about me, well maybe some of my depression and why
I am alone is because I have no family and no past, my mother murdered my
father, he excuse was as simple as why the fuck shouldn’t I. I guess most of my
mental issues come from my mothers side of the family all the females in my
mothers family have serious mental issues, my mother was killed by her niece
simple because she could get whatever she wanted.
So I lost everything that I ever owned because of greed and
the same of my father, I lost everything I would ever have of him because of
greed, so greedy that they stole everything from the trunk of my car at his
funeral.
Shit like that kind of sticks with you and I am constantly
arguing within myself about the horrible family I have, still now I am on my
own, I can deal with things, I guess.
I keep my fathers memory alive and some of his friends do, I
know. So that is all something good and will remain as long as it can, still
this is all stuff that I want to try and forget but I can not, the curse of
having such a long term memory that doesn’t forget that I have to make up
things to try and live in fantasy worlds so that I can just get by, so this is
all being published under James Brogan a private detective character that I
have made up and started to write books about, creating something that allows
me to escape from this world.
Thank god for Computers and D&D when I was a teenager
otherwise I really would have just gone crazy, I was allowed to put my mind
into something and that helped me when I dropped out of school, I could always
work on a computer, I could always write aprogram make something happen design
a game or write something that would go ping or make some noise, I have always
enjoyed writing code and trying to figure out things, it has always made me
happy.
I am more a take something and make it better type of
person, starting something from scratch is not really my thing, I can do it,
but I always find it hard to get started, but when I can see it, then it is
easier to make it better and completely re design it or start, and create.
I need the egg, then I can make the chicken fly because its
stupid to walk across the road.
Now, maybe more about me, I have 2 children, that I know of,
well 1, the first a boy I am not really sure about, and it was when I was
young, an accident that I have only figured out from a far, but my daughter, if
she is mine, again I don’t really know, is now maybe 17 or 18, her mother is
someone who reminds me of my own mother, completely selfcentered and who just
didn’t care, but then again it does take two and I guess I am also to blame, I
am sure I am responsible for many many things, but I have always tried to be
good to people, I am one of those who always tries to help and always gets
taken for a fool, but once and a while you find someone who actually does care
and then that is when I tend to worry because I don’t believe it, finding good
people is hard and when I do I treat them badly, and the circle goes on, no way
to break it I guess.
Things I am scared of, I hate going to sleep, I hate it, I
can not just go to sleep, I need something I need the TV on, I need someone
there, or someone in the room, or just to be so tired that I can not keep my
eyes open, I find myself writing my book and these words when I am sleeping or when
I am walking and then I want to write everything down and trying to figure out
what the hell I should do.
I can remember very few times when I was truly happy, which
I think is really very sad, I can remember wanting to be happy and instantly
being stepped on when I told someone that I was happy or there was something
that I was proud of, now that really is human nature that when someone is happy
you do your best to tear it down and destroy it, and that I really have no
problem with, I can understand that, but again now with twitter its ok to talk
about it HAHAHA
Yeah, what a load of shit, you can see the divide. People
now make money being morons for others to look at and then imitate and then we
watch and laugh as they have “mental health issues” for fucks sake.
Still it makes me laugh, shit like this and too many people
fall into the trap we should care for them, they have suffered.
Still, if you can’t see that there is some stupidity that we
shouldn’t support then, that is really what will cause the downfall of the
human race.
I have issues, and no one is going to help me but me, and I
need to deal with them, but then why would I when I can talk to someone and get
help, which will only cost me money, and only cost me time only enrich someone
else, and only make me poor, and then what happens to my life and any mark that
I could make on the world? It never will happen.
8/11/2019 9:58:48 AM
Its no better or worse, its just the way I live.
Nightmares last night, about what I am doing and about my
cats, I am half way around the world away from my house and my pets because, I
really don’t know anymore.
I need to get away,
because I am lonely and I want to be with someone or have someone around and
when I do, its even more lonely. It could be the company, where I am I feel
like it used to be when I was spending time with my parents, my father and I
would be scared to death of setting off the bomb that was my mother, and I feel
the same way when I am with my friend here, I am always under watch, nothing I do
will ever be right and always need to be corrected, even if it is just redoing
it in exactly the same way that I have already done it.
I feel powerless and hopeless and there is nothing I can do
to change that.
Its almost comforting really, because when I am in this sort
of mood it makes it easier to decide how I would kill myself, I have actually
come down from the idea of a gun, which is quick and easy and no chance of
changing your mind, to simply walking off a building, sure I would hate myself
for the few seconds that it took to hit the ground, but I would be dead, at
least I hope I would, it would have to be a high building and I think the need
for a few pills before had might be a good idea, but I have actually come
around to the idea.
Why not, I can’t hate myself anymore or hate my life, and I
really do have to come around to the idea that being alive vs being dead is the
better option.
I have wanted to write about me for a while, I have been
called gifted etc, but its only because I am damaged that I am gifted. I can
see things before they happen, what I mean is events in the world and I how
things will turn out.
I have written other blogs, and on other places where you
will see this, but what sort of gift is that? No one will believe you
especially when you give them a logical and simple time line, they think your
nuts, but people in large groups are so easy to understand, so many others have
written about it, the more open in the room the lower the general IQ.
Liberals only want to play to the lowest common dominator,
so that means the moron in the room gets all the control, gets everything he
wants and those who actually need or have the knowledge are ignored.
How offensive is that thought eh? But its true, you just go
back and look at some of those people we now hold up as wonderful examples of
people fighting for justice for all, fighting for the little guy.
To ask the world to do that on mass just makes me some sort
of deranged moron myself, but that is what is happening and in the next 50
years if we don’t change it, we will be stuck here on this planet and
everything some of the greatest thinkers and writers of our time have foreseen
will never happen.
Oh yeah, forget Global warming as the destruction of the
earth, really there are much more important things than plastic to worry
about!!
Now I am stuck, I am here because I want to teach, or help
really, I don’t like being called a teacher, I am here to help, that means I
want to work, put me to work. I have found that the more you want to work the
less people will want you to do anything, people are scared of those who really
really want to work, its now very common.
This is simple to explain, you don’t get someone who wants
to work to do the job, because he will show everyone else how little you work,
and that means you will have to work harder and that isn’t really what you
want, and if the boss sees this guy working, then he might give him a better
position and that would also be bad.
About 30 years ago the Canadian government put in place a system
to hire only those who it thought would just do the job, and nothing else,
people who simple followed the guidelines and would move into a union without
thinking, easy to control, now you can see the result.
Those in power just screw up constantly but they can not be
replaced, they simple get moved to a better job with more money, and those
below just keep on chugging, they took the idea from the military, there you
follow orders and you can not question those orders, in the government you need
people who don’t give a shit about what they are doing they just follow the
guide.
It says you need to walk into a brick wall, so I am sorry
sir you need to walk into a brick wall. No sir I don’t think it is stupid, its
what it says here so it must be done.
The world has gone and got itself some stupid in a very few
years.
I am depressed, I hate my life and what I am doing, I am
lonely, and when I settle I am still lonely. No one wants to be with me and
those who have wanted to be with me I have somehow chased away, and been an
idiot to, and to those who still love me I am sorry, I can’t talk to you about
this and I can’t explain anything to you.
You know I am damaged, you want to help, but I don’t know
how to accept that help.
Welcome to the its ok to talk BS that you constantly see, it
isn’t OK to talk because no one can or will help you.
No matter what, you are responsible for yourself, you are
responsible for your actions and you have to fix yourself, what is anyone going
to do for me that I can’t do for myself? Listen? Read?
Yeah, that’s going to help
So it’s the afternoon and we sit upon Zianson hill and think
about what it is we want to do and what it is that I should do and the
loneliness creeps up again, and we continue to think that it would be easier if
I just left this world, there must be something more than this but we know
there isn’t.
Still when you there is nothing that you will leave behind
it makes it easier.
Still who will read this? No one who will know me and with
that maybe I should make sure that I do the Canadian thing and apologize to
everyone and everything for what I didn’t do.
Nothing happens quick enough, everything just goes so
slowly, when you can see the outcome of things you just wonder why people just
don’t get up and move on, I hate waiting I hate it, and watching this world and
how slowly it goes is just driving me as crazy as it is possible to be.
I don’t always get things done myself, but when needs must,
I do and still that is more often than the majority of people.
At least the air up here is fresh, it only took me an hour
to get here and walk up the hill, and that was only 7000 steps, what does a guy
have to do to get 10000 steps a day, I have to walk further and further now, I
guess my stride is getting longer and quicker as I try and get more steps I am
getting fewer and walking further.
So I guess I will walk on, and go for the nation park and
manybe there I will find something to eat.
Life sucks.
8/12/2019 12:28 PM
Another day, but at least today I have classes and there are
things that I can do.
